(So this is pretty much just stream of consciousness….)
So I think I’m scared…to run…to lose weight…to exercise. I do this every year or so – I’m like “yep, going to get in shape. going to start running again.” and then I do it for a couple of times and i’m like “yep, it’s hard, I hate it. I’m only walking with brief [very brief] running intervals” and so I talk myself out of it. See the thing is that I *know* I need to lose this weight. I just can’t seem to stick with things – I get hurt, I get busy, I talk myself out of doing it, I get lazy, I get hurt again, it’s a vicious cycle. And then I get ticked, because I was so very excited about it and made plans to do things and then it just kind of dies. It’s like I can’t get over the 2 to 3 week hurdle. And the thought of all of the miles I would be logging is overwhelming.
maybe it’s all mental. Maybe I’m mental. Maybe i should just work on earning my my appearance on “My 600 pound life”. then I get pissed at myself for thinking that. Like I don’t want to look like a fool while I’m exercising (which is why I don’t exercise with people). I don’t want to be last place in a race (I was close to last in one last year and hated the way I felt, especially since I think I let my kiddo down). I don’t want to be a plus size anymore (I want to wear more than the same 12 articles of clothing). And then I get angry thinking about it. The other night, I was sitting on my couch, not wanting to go workout when I saw a FB post from an online challenge group I have been looking at…the post was about “hey – you’ve been going for 2 weeks – way to go”…yep – guilted my ass up off my couch and down to my workout room. It was kind of a crappy workout because I’m auditioning workout DVDs, but I at least got off my couch.
I have these treadmill workouts on my Pinterest board that I want to do, but I can’t find the motivation to write them down and actually do them – because I’m scared of the speeds some of them get to. I’m afraid of being disappointed in myself because I didn’t do it as written.
I put like 20 exercise DVDs on hold at the library. I ordered a couple of workout plans from Beachbody that sounded like fun. But now I’m overwhelmed by the thought of doing them – that I won’t be able to…I WANT to do them. I am excited to try them, but concerned.
I know, I need to get my ass off the couch and go do it.
tl;dr?……I’m holding a pity party about exercising. Someone needs to take my books away and hold my DVR hostage until I go workout.