I could handle this….especially if there was a TV in front of me.

(So this is pretty much just stream of consciousness….)

So I think I’m scared…to run…to lose weight…to exercise. I do this every year or so – I’m like “yep, going to get in shape. going to start running again.” and then I do it for a couple of times and i’m like “yep, it’s hard, I hate it. I’m only walking with brief [very brief] running intervals” and so I talk myself out of it. See the thing is that I *know* I need to lose this weight. I just can’t seem to stick with things – I get hurt, I get busy, I talk myself out of doing it, I get lazy, I get hurt again, it’s a vicious cycle. And then I get ticked, because I was so very excited about it and made plans to do things and then it just kind of dies. It’s like I can’t get over the 2 to 3 week hurdle.  And the thought of all of the miles I would be logging is overwhelming.

maybe it’s all mental. Maybe I’m mental. Maybe i should just work on earning my my appearance on “My 600 pound life”. then I get pissed at myself for thinking that. Like I don’t want to look like a fool while I’m exercising (which is why I don’t exercise with people). I don’t want to be last place in a race (I was close to last in one last year and hated the way I felt, especially since I think I let my kiddo down). I don’t want to be a plus size anymore (I want to wear more than the same 12 articles of clothing).    And then I get angry thinking about it.  The other night, I was sitting on my couch, not wanting to go workout when I saw a FB post from an online challenge group I have been looking at…the post was about “hey – you’ve been going for 2 weeks – way to go”…yep – guilted my ass up off my couch and down to my workout room.  It was kind of a crappy workout because I’m auditioning workout DVDs, but I at least got off my couch.

I have these treadmill workouts on my Pinterest board that I want to do, but I can’t find the motivation to write them down and actually do them – because I’m scared of the speeds some of them get to.  I’m afraid of being disappointed in myself because I didn’t do it as written.

I put like 20 exercise DVDs on hold at the library.  I ordered a couple of workout plans from Beachbody that sounded like fun.  But now I’m overwhelmed by the thought of doing them – that I won’t be able to…I WANT to do them.  I am excited to try them, but concerned.

I know, I need to get my ass off the couch and go do it.

tl;dr?……I’m holding a pity party about exercising.  Someone needs to take my books away and hold my DVR hostage until I go workout.




My Question…

Watch Me Go

Change Your Thoughts

My niece and I had decided to run in the Quad City Marathon this month.  We were both going to use the same training program so that we could support each other.  Things started out swimmingly.  She’s a bit faster than me, but that’s ok.  We had talked about that and we were ok with running our own race at our own pace.


Our Playground Workout

I quickly found a friend to train with to help keep me motivated.  Thanks to her, I started getting up early to run.  The hours passed quickly and I enjoyed our time together.  We were motivating each other.  I felt blessed because she slowed down her pace to keep me company and I motivated her to keep going.

I had already modified the training plan to account for my husband’s work schedule.  My kids aren’t old enough to stay home alone and hiring a babysitter that often is just not in the budget.  So sometimes, the run had to go by the wayside so I could take care of the kids.  Thankfully, my running partner was ok with that…she had been there, done that, and was very understanding.

But then injury hit.  My knee acted up for a couple of days, and since I had struggled with it last year during my half, I made sure I took care of it.  Then my plantar fasciitis flared.  That sidelined me for a while.  We did water jogging, weight lifting, bike riding and rested.  It eventually went away.  I thought I was home free, barring the occasional summer cold.

I always knew that I was a slow runner…12-15 minutes per mile is my average, depending on the race and the heat.  The long runs kept getting longer.  The time I spent away from home kept getting longer.  I started getting discouraged, especially when it felt like I wasn’t making any progress.  I just couldn’t get faster.  I was doing ok on the longer runs, for the most part.  But things were slowly breaking down.


A hot workout…not a great experience

My breaking point was a scheduled 18 mile run.  I knew it was going to take me a while – at least 4.5 hours to finish.  Have you ever thought about what you can do in 4.5 hours?  You can watch all of Gone With the Wind (and have time left over), you can do 3 loads of laundry, you can read an entire book (maybe even 2).  Most importantly, you can help your husband by watching the little kids so that he can work on the home remodel.  And who really wants to get up at 4:15 in the morning to go for a run so that you can be home in time to do other things?  Not this girl…so the run didn’t happen.  Family first.


Kiddos reading in the hallway


It was at that point that I started feeling like maybe the full 26.2 wasn’t going to happen for me.

Over the next few days, I talked to my niece; I talked to my running partner; I talked to my husband; and I talked to myself.  It was a difficult decision.  I knew I could do the half.  I did one last year and I had felt reasonably good during my 12+ mile runs.  But deep down, I wanted my first marathon experience to be good.  I did not want to be that runner that was crossing the finish line after 6.5 hours…with the finish line being partially dismantled, the sag wagon dogging my footsteps, not having seen any of the race volunteers or refreshment tables for the last 2 hours.  I wanted to cross the finish line earlier than that.

I wanted my marathon experience to be good…not a straggling, suffering, guilt-laden one.

At that point, I decided to do the half.


My favorite view on my favorite path.

It was a load that fell off my shoulders.  I felt good about my decision; disappointed, but good.  I felt like I was letting people down; that I was giving up.  To a certain extent, I still feel that way.  But I know that I’m not ready to run 26.2 miles the way I want to run them.  Making that decision freed up my time to focus on my kids, the big projects we have going on at home, and to focus on my husband (not in that order).  While he supports my running and is at every finish line he can be at, he didn’t like me being gone so long, running alone in the partial dark, and running the chance of getting hurt.

I know that when I lace up my shoes on Sunday to run the half, it will be fine.  He will be at the finish line waiting for me with a hug and a kiss.  Most of my kids will be there to surround me with hugs.  They will be proud of me no matter what distance I run.